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Category : Comedy | Tags : comedy speedwaysquad canada britishcolumbia predator sciencefiction |
Hot dog folks, 'Hot Walker' Texas-Stranger Beeleze-Bob Fugger is in the house and he's high on saddle-soap and hamburger liniment.
He brings us tales of Hollywood sadness while Warren tell us about his HUGE 'cocks-iss' injury. It hurt his ass and his pride. And his ass.
Jordan and Chris fade further into irrelevancy (as per God's wishes.)
'Frank God' is Jordan's neighbor.
And he created the universe.
Yah-WAY!
Get your 70's era Saltines prepared and pour yourself a white, plastic Thermos-cap of canned water (chilled to a frosty 63 degrees) because you're GOING to survive this episode of Horsey Hoolimiguns.
LIVE DAMNIT ! YOU'VE NEVER GIVEN UP ON ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now we get to see your tits.
Cue deep-ocean-crazy Michael Biehn.
ACTION!!!
Horsingham downs is draped in black bunting this week as we mourn the death of a stranger, Chris' career and Warren's youth at the hands of a 1980's music-store troll.
Dutch ovens are lamely brought up again yet Warren can't contain his comedy-boner despite our hiring of a comedy-boner wrangler. Weirdly enough he wears 'Lee' jeans. Bruce Lee jeans.
He fills them out like water in a Ming Dynasty ceramic jug.
You're Kung Fu is mildly sub-standard...
Hi-KEEBA!
After reading the notes on our website, http://www.horsetrackhooligans.com/2012/04/21/episode-37/, we've come to the realization that we LOVE talking about middle-aged, white-men. Ranging from the upper-upper-middle-class to the zenith of the 1% of the 1% we cover the ENTIRE smug, rich dude waterfront.
Marlon Brando, also a rich, once-middle-aged, silver haired, Academy Award refusing, undershirt defacer starred in the feature film 'On the Waterfront' directed by noted Hollywood snitch Elia Kazan. On the Waterfront also starred Karl Malden, Lee J. Cobb, and Rod Steiger who, when present on the same soundstage, represented an entire Milky Way of boxing-glove-faced caucasianity.
They had more juice than the Wu Tang Clan in 1992.
You aged, filthy people born out of wedlock.
Believe the hype.
We're ripe for a gun-shot-residue test this week as we are fresh off the Horsingham Downs rifle-range and putting-green. It just reopened after a two week closer due to a scheduling mix-up that lead to the ladies 'Crack Shot' petty-coat and lever-action Winchester promenade taking to the range enclosure while the 'Air out your gillie-suit and sink some 20 footers brigade' were practicing their 'stand statue-still drills' only a mere 5 yards away. Plus it was the dead of night and the range Arc-lamps were out of commission due to the black-out advisory from the local 'Shun the Hun' committee.
It took weeks for the hay and medium-grain pumice-powder to soak up the blood and gristle.
On the plus side we now have 32 vacancies to be filled with new members so if you're on the waiting list you now have a bright red bulls-eye on your back and we have our cross-hairs fixed most steadily between your tender, supple shoulder-blades.
PULL!!
Chicago. The city with the slightly oversized knee-caps. Also the city of narrow pelvises, pelvi? I'm way off the grid folks. It's been along week here at Horsingham Downs. The new bartender in the lounge got the straight pretzels mixed in with the 'knotted' kind. Is there a name for that shape of pretzel? If there isn't, I just coined it.
If this episode were a penny it would take itself to the 1893 world's fair-grounds and crush itself under a pile of rusting penny-crushing machines.
BTW, you don't need to write to tell me that the penny wasn't invented until 1978. I'm not stupid!
Duh. Bears.
What would happen if Mark Harmon and Alice Cooper were sealed in a shipping container with a zip-gun, a pet marmoset and one wind-up, AM Radio for a period of six to 18 months?
The result is this episode.
It's like Roots but without the relevancy.
Kunta Kint eh?
Sticks, glorious sticks! They have SO many uses. The foremost of which is beating off attacking bee-balls. I often beat-off my bee-balls.
I get bee-balls when I can't fuck bees.
Ha, if I had a nickel...
Give me five bees for a nickel we used to say.
R.I.P. Grandpa Simpson. (He can't really die, he's a fictional character.)
(Just like my balls).
DOUGH!
(balls) (with bee sprinkles)
Proost!
Hey folks. We're sad to announce that HBO has cancelled Horsetrack Hooligans because we have lost three Warren's to hoof and mouth disease and several Warren-trailers rolling into the median after the drivers have fallen asleep. It wasn't too expensive to replace Warren's as they are very affordable and are happy to eat discount, remaindered oats but when buying Warren's we also have to buy extra Jordans (contract stuff) and they're starting to pile-up in the stables.
Every Jordan needs up to fifteen Irish Setters each to keep him warm in his stall and keep him company in the off-season. (He's very sensitive). Basically HBO doesn't want to pay money for all that 'Canin' brand premium Irish Setter food.
Luckily we've been picked up by Du Moine public access, channel 187. Sadly, we have to change the format of the show to an all house-plant drive-time talk show. That's okay because all of those extra Jordan's love fresh Dandelion wine.
Dandelions are not house plants. We can't explain it either.
Keep your leaves moist Du Moine! And always clean your warm-water mister Mr. Mister.
Kyrie!
Horsetrack Hooligans is always brought to you as a public service each week but this week is especially relevant. Remember that After School Special where Michael Landon got molested after he ran home to hide the urine-soaked sheets his mother had hung outside on the line to embarass him after he continuously wet the bed?? Us neither.
Neither do we remember the time he became a track star/late adolescent lycanthrope/disgraced and ultra creepy heavenly emissary. Shit, he starred in a lot of stuff. All while sporting a bulletproof, pre-Mel Gibson Mel Gibson style near-mullet.
He actually didn't play himself on 'Little House'. That role was played by Little Joe Cartwright. Shit, there's another show he did. Played by Lorne Greene. In Battlestar Gallactica, 2000's version.
Edward James Olmos.
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